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Saturday, 13 December 2008

So Small - Carrie Underwood
What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
It's okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
But don't run out on your faith

'Cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
seem so small

It's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
While you sit around thinking about what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you can't get it back

Sometimes that mountain you've been climbing is just a grain of sand
What you've been up there searching for
forever is in your hands
When you figure out love is all that matters after all
It sure makes everything else
Seem so small

Wednesday, 02 July 2008

The Real Motivation

I've been struggling lately (and most of my Christian walk) to really just commit myself to God.
Why is it so hard for me to obey?
This thought popped into my head.
I use God to find happiness and fulfillment for myself. I don't really go to God because he's God and I love him. In my heart, is there a sincere desire for more of God? Do I really want to know God just to know God? or am I doing all this because I just want to be satisfied with me/my life?
Is God my Idol or is God my God?
I think it's probably a mixture of both. these two sides at war with each other.
I wish my good side were winning....

ME
I was talking to my mom the other day and she reminded me that I'm almost 22 (well halfway...she was trying to make me feel old so that I would hurry up and settle down) and I realized how long I've been away from everyone I love. When I come home on July 30, it will have been over 7 months for school ppl and 5 months for my family.
Have you spent that much time away from your friends? haha. some of you might have.
for me, it's a first. and it's been really, really difficult.
i find that my heart doesn't open up easily and even tho i really like the people i've met here...
they haven't broken through.
it's been so disorienting and straining being away from the few that really know me.
when i'm was homesick, i'm never homesick for a "place" or "thing" or "food" or whatnot.
it was always about the people who I've shared myself with. it's like they own a piece of me.
does that sound creepy? haha. maybe it is?
i'm not just me.
these people have a part of me with them, wherever they are.
and i can't feel whole and complete when they are so far away.
i'm just saying this is true. i don't kno if this is how it should be.
God is with me wherever I go. But he seems far away sometimes too.
I guess I'm not the independent/ self-sufficient person I always strove to be.

Going home: T-26 days....

But then, back at home I feel suffocated and I need to go to a new and exciting place.
and there are days here when I feel so happy and fulfilled.
i just love love being in a foreign place and meeting foreign people.

it' like these two different people pulling at me in different directions.

who will win?
where will I end up in the end?

PS. Korean food is beyond compare. I LOVE IT. when i'm whining and complaining about dorm food... just please understand...haha i just came back from gastronomical heaven.
Korean weather is beyond compare. I HATE IT. it's so HUMID and rainy all the time. and HOT.
i sweat so much. i sweat even tho i'm not that hot! because it's just so wet outside and it makes u sticky and gross. i want to move to California...haha cuz Chicago weather ain't so great either!
GO A.C.

PPS. OneRepublic=my new favorite band

Saturday, 14 June 2008

i can fly
wow. my junior year is almost over. and i will officially be a senior.
i still remember my first day in Urbana.
right after my mom left...i went to the bathroom and cried, just a little.
i was asking myself what i was doing there and if it was true that my mom had just drove off and left me by myself.
i remember it was so strange sleeping there that night with a stranger in the room with me. like a weird camp or something.
and then it turned out to be the best years of my life.
i remember a lot of laughter and joy. i also remember fear. fear of people, fear of isolation.
there were struggles. a lot of darkness and ache. sometimes such brokenness and defeat.
But God was my rock at the bottom and He never stopped pouring his love into my life.
and now here i am. "senior". how is this possible?
i feel like i should be an adult now.
but in so many ways i still struggle with the same things as before.
i wonder if i've grown at all. i wonder if i'm still 18 in a lot of ways. maybe even 16.
i wish i could say that i've grown a lot. but i'm not so sure.
i'm not who i thought i'd be at this point. but you know, the story isnt over yet.
am i ready to say goodbye to this part of my life? no.
yet i'm also hesitant to extend my stay. it seems to me that moving on is a part of growing up.
i should probably be planning my future or even my next steps after graduation.
but i dont really feel the need to. i feel peace.
i want to leave it open for God.
i have a feeling that he's going to lead the way.
i just want to listen for his voice without the clutter of this world.
do i have the faith?

my life had begun to feel so small and narrow as my dreams and vision grew wider than the bubble surrounding me.
now i've gotten a taste and i know i have arrived at the beginning of more.
still why does my life sometimes feel like stagnation rather than progression?
God, you are really taking your time with me.
give me faith for this life. i want to hold onto nothing else. nothing else.
cuz i know and i see that with nothing holding me down, i can fly with you.
i can see myself soaring above this earth and the only thing i'm holding onto is you.
actually you the one holding me up in the sky and i feel so light and free. my heart joyful.
because i know that i have chosen you above all else.
and that is where my true happiness lies.
but right now, i still feel trapped by my own addictions and deviant heart.
they chain me to the ground.
give me freedom Lord. give me flight.
i know i can soar with You.

Thursday, 01 November 2007

eeeeeeeeh!!!!
name: Markyyy - Pastor Jong's son
Age: 2
found on Janice's facebook.
I just had to post.
Joanna is adorable too~

Wednesday, 03 October 2007

As of now, who would you vote for as President of the U.S.?
I still don't know. I keep missing all the important debates because I dont watch TV anymore. I dont know when they are on. someone tell me. i still have to do some research. the problem is that no one really stands out to me as the best candidate.
i think i am a democrat. altho, i still have some conservative views.
my classes have made me more liberal.
im so excited to vote!! my first time. :)
usa today said that barack obama's "key supporter" is oprah winfrey. now i know she is powerful and rich but that's slightly disconcerting to me...
and i think hilary is using the i'm married to bill clinton, america's favorite recent pres., card.
eh. and john edwards gets 300dollar hair cuts. come on. have u seen his hair? u could get a cut like that for $5. he has messed up priorities. or he's just filthy rich and doesnt care how he spends his money. still BAD.
i havent really thought about the republicans because i dont want a republican government anymore.
tho i heard that guiliani is like a democratic republican...hmm. interesting.
anyways...i think this election is so important because of all our issues.
it's time for some change. im ready for it!

disclaimer. i dont know that much about the candidates or politics so...yeah. i just read the paper today and it got me thinking.

:Edit:
i think the busyness of my life and my preoccupation with all of it was sucking the joy out of my life.
After yesterday's bible study, i've been praying that I have a good heart about studying and serving.
And even as I write a paper ( i ABHOR writing papers) I LOVE IT! because I LOVE what I am learning about. I love it. i can't believe i had a complaining heart about school. Man. i am so messed up.
I should be sooo thankful I am here. I mean, seriously, I even have massive grants funding my college education, without which I would not even be in school.
So even though i'm crazy busy and some days i just want to cry or scream, I am soooooooo thankful!!!!
ask me what im learning in class. its SO AWESOME!!!!!!
coserving has been sooo stretching and soooo blessing. i feel like i'm learning so much thru it all. and i had a bad heart in the beginning. but now I see it is such a priviledge and gift from God.
sometimes i feel like the luckiest person.
i've been cursing the blessings God has given me. a little prayer just cleared that all up for me. wow. it is powerful! i've been so foolish. so if you're feeling down, just pray :)
THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!! YOU ARE SOOO GOOD!!!